Open your eyes, starshine.

I’ve gotten attached to this blog. I think I’ll keep it :)

• January 05, 2012, 7:13am

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Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

I can’t believe I have to wake up at 4:30 in the morning, starting today. I don’t know how long it’s going to last— my tito/driver’s mom just died (may she rest in peace), and now the whole household is in a state of chaos, since he left. My dad, who absolutely loathes driving, is forced to bring my brother and I to school, and to fetch us as well. All it means is we get brought to school early, and be picked up early as well. No more late-afternoon shindigs for me. At least, for now. To be honest, it makes me feel a bit like a loser going home straight after class, but I guess it’s not that bad. I get to spend more time by myself to unwind and relax— like what I’m doing right now. 

Anyways, my day was fine.

I got to school really early; around 6 o’clock, so I ended up just sitting in a corner and listening to my iPod. It’s funny how much you think when you’re alone. As I sat there, back against a cold stone wall; I was able to resolve a lot of the things going through my head these past few days. It felt great. For once my thoughts weren’t so cloudy. I hope it lasts though, because my moments of clarity never seems to stay.

Math was my first class, and I guess it was alright. Unlike last semester wherein I could barely keep up with the lesson, at least I could at least follow now. Math and I will never be in great terms though. I dunno. We just don’t… click. :| =))

I spent the break after math with Gino and Rayf, and we pretty much just sat in the cafeteria talking, and laughing, and playing “Bullshit”. Collectively, we’re actually called the “Bullshit Trio” because we would play the Bullshit card game anywhere and everywhere. We played in Chocolate Kiss (A fancy restaurant inside the campus), in the bowling alley, in front of the faculty room, in the lab, in the lobby… Whenever we just feel like it :)) I guess it’s fun having such carefree friends who actually like playing cards =))

After that was chem lab (wherein we just discussed), and got dismissed early. During lunch break, I set out on a mission. 

I went to the org tambayan to look for someone to accompany me, and I got Raiza to comply. Raiza is actually one of my co-apps whom I haven’t gotten the chance to talk to much, until today. 

My mission? To get to Abby’s house all the way in Katipunan to deliver a gift :)) I was supposed to have it brought yesterday, but since it was my dad driving me home, he got lazy to pass by the village and even got mad at me for even suggesting it. That’s when I knew that if I were to do it, I had to do it myself.

Anyways, Raiza and I set out for Katipunan and ate at McDo. I was actually very thankful that she came with me because I found out a lot about her. Apparently, she wanted to be a psychiatrist or plastic surgeon— just like me. And I dunno, I guess there’s always something magical about making a new friend :)) We didn’t run out of things to talk to. I even opened up to her about liking girls, because well, apparently she does too :O I guess I was wrong for thinking that I was the only one in the org. Haha. At least I don’t feel that alone now. 

After lunch, we went to Alta Vista to deliver the present! Haha, I wonder when she’ll come home though? :-? Anyways, I hope she likes it :> =))

After that was chem lec, and it was extreeemely boring. Won’t even get into that one.

And then I got picked up. 

When I got home and opened the computer, I was faced with a dilemma. Apparently I have to things to go to tomorrow— either a welcome home drinking session for my friend Nikki, or my friend JFo’s debut. To be honest, I’m not even prepared for either. Since my driver’s not around, I guess either of the two is out of the picture. It’ll be just another lazy Friday night, home alone for me.

Problem solved?

• January 05, 2012, 4:45am

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Dying to know, but afraid to find out.

(Source: christineehunter)

• Reblogged from Turn a page, I'm a book half unread

• January 04, 2012, 8:49am

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The first day buzz.

… actually it’s the second day buuuut you get what I mean.

So hmm. It’s funny how everything feels the same. So similar, in fact, that as soon as I’ve stepped onto the school grounds, it’s like I never left. The Christmas break seemed too short. I guess, I was happy to see familiar faces again though. I finally got to hang out with my blockmates again, and orgmates, and old schoolmates :) Fun fun fun. 

There isn’t actually much worth talking about but I guess you could say that yesterday was the first time I actually asked to get into someone’s pants. A boy’s pants, for that matter. And, well, that boy got into my shorts =))) No kidding. I have this chem lab class wherein you can’t perform experiments without wearing the proper prescribed clothing, and needless to say, I wasn’t. It had completely slipped my mind (maybe I was still drunk from the rum cake? Yeah right) and I wore short shorts on the first day of school. I was with my friend Rayf at the cafeteria then, when it hit me.

Me: “Oh shit. Rayf. May lab pala ngayon!”

Rayf: “Ha? O de pano yan. Hindi ka papapasukin na ma’m.”

Me: “Onga eh. Hmm…” *stares* 

Rayf: “Ano?”

Me: “…” :>

… 

We asked our other friend Gino to act as a “middle man” between the two bathrooms, and fortunately, Rayf was as skinny as a stick and had no problem fitting into my shorts. His pants fit me perfectly too =)))))

Hihihi. I guess I’m happy to have someone like him as a friend =)))) Friendzone level 1000. Oh yeah =)))

Hmm. Other than that, nothing interesting much has happened. Well, today, I took a really long time at the shopping center trying to print out certificates for my org. It caused my friend Carlo and I to be delayed in meeting up with our other friends. He decided to pick me up to have lunch with our high school barkada in Katipunan, but we ended up getting there when the rest were done eating T___T soooo, we decided on just having a drive through at McDo =))) It’s turned out to be our favorite place to eat. 

What else, what else…

Hm. I guess that’s it. Our old Bio lab professor got replaced btw, and I’m not at all happy about it. I had a slight crush on him after all :| =))))) Hahaha. But mehh. Whatever.

Hmm. Getting into serious matters…

I guess day by day I’m starting to get a hold of my feelings for “Tao” (let’s call the person that) again. It’s just. I don’t know. I’m at a point where I have no idea what to do. Plus I made this stupid bet with *YOUKNOWWHOYOUARE* that if I confessed to Tao within the month, and she (okay fine she’s a girl get over it boo, you whore) doesn’t return my feelings, I’d pay my friend 1000 pesos. But, on the other hand, if she does return the feelings, I’d be the one giving my friend 1000 pesos. I accepted it right away because I knew it was easy money. I mean, wtf. I already know the answer. Day by day I’m starting to feel like Tao clearly belongs to someone else, and well, there’s nothing I can do about it. And anyways, from the start, I really did promise myself I would never let Tao know. So yeah. Now I’m considering just paying my friend the 1000 pesos. Because if I told Tao how I really felt, it would ruin everything. And it would hurt. It would hurt a lot, despite me knowing what was coming. And I’m sure it would not mean a thing to Tao, because Tao is just that kind of person :< :)) But meh. Then again, that’s one thing that had me drawn to her :”> :)) Oh you. Ahahaha…ha.

Lol is it just me or does it sound stupid referring to the person as “Tao”? :)) When I read it I feel like a retarded person had written it or something.

That’s all for now, I guess.

• January 04, 2012, 8:07am

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Dear You,

Uhm. Hi. Happy New Year?

I don’t really know what to say. Not because I have nothing to say, but I guess it’s just that I have no idea how I’m supposed to let it all out. How to start. How to tell you. Because there’s just so much you need to know. I’ve never been that very good with feelings, so I guess it’s been a habit of mine to second-guess myself. I like taking risks— believe me, I do— but when it gets to things like these, I just… stop functioning. I play it safe. I only play when the ball is in my field.

Like I’ve said, I’ve never been that good with feelings; but I do think that I’m decent with words. Words are all I can offer now, anyways. So I’ll just do my best to express myself in the best way I can. Though I’m not really sure you’ll get to read this (I’m hoping you won’t but I can never be too sure with myself), I’ll make sure to be as honest as I can since, well, that’s one thing I pride myself for. Honesty. And it’s funny how I can’t be honest to one of the people I care most about.

I’ve always had a thing for only liking people who’ve feelings for me first. It could be that my pride gets in the way but when it all boils down to it, I’m just afraid to get hurt.

But with you. It’s different. Everything is.

I realized that with you, I seriously have nothing to ask for in return. I’ve liked you for a while now, but I guess, I never planned on telling you. Maybe I did, once or twice, but I promised myself I wouldn’t. And anyways, I couldn’t. Even if I wanted to. So all this time, you’ve been buried in the back part of my head— the deepest part of my subconscious.

My plan was to simply be your friend, forever, because that’s all I really needed. All I could really ever ask for. To know that you’re happy, and doing fine— I’d be happy too. I know that it sounds sappy and unreal, but it’s the truth.

So before I continue, smile. You’d be doing me a huge favor. 

I never planned to tell you, because a) I’ve never really confessed to any girl before and b) simply confessing would mean that I was demanding something. I could justify it and tell you that I don’t need you to like me back but I’d still be asking for something. An answer. A reaction. Deep down I’d still feel like I’d be owed something, and I don’t want that to happen. Because really, you don’t owe me anything. In fact, it’s the other way around. I owe you a lot. So really, telling you would be the worst thing I could possibly do. In fact I haven’t told anyone until a few months ago. And that was one person. I haven’t told anyone ‘til then because I felt like by telling others how I felt, I’d be making it more real— and then I’d have a hard time just simply putting my feelings for you away. If someone else knew, if I’d spoken about it, it’d be as good as acknowledging it. It would be out there in the open. It would be a fact. I figured that if I never mentioned it, never uttered a word about it, it wouldn’t exist. It would simply be a figment of my imagination, tucked away from reality forever.

The only reason I’m even writing about this now, because I realized that I’m not as selfless as I give myself credit for. Or at least, I’m not as strong. I told myself that I’d be okay and happy for you whatever happened, but I guess, once I was faced with the possibility that you seriously cared for someone, someone else; I lost it. All the feelings I’ve been hiding away just suddenly resurfaced and tormented me with their presence. I don’t know why but I felt like I was going to lose you. I was afraid that you were going to be in love with someone else, someone whom I wouldn’t be sure to take care of you— of your feelings, of your heart. 

This is where I say “blecch Claud you stupid cheesy bitch” but I don’t care anymore. Not like anyone’s gonna read this anyway. So yeah. Moving on =)))

Ugh. That’s when I realized that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you’d ended up with someone who’d treat you less than I would. And I guess, that’s when I realized that that’s going to be practically anyone. Because I’d be telling you now, you’re one of the people I’d do almost anything for. I’d give you everything. And as long as I’m here, I’d feel like nothing was ever going to be good enough for you.

I know my feelings for you are real, because I’ve passed up on so many people this year. Not to brag, not to scare you but I got to counting and, well, twenty three people have told me they liked me just the last six months. Haha. And when every one of those twenty three people told me that, you’d pop up in my head. It was unfair for them, but I couldn’t do anything. It was funny, stupid, and conceited; but that’s the way it is. I told you I’d be honest. That’s just how much you meant to me. And what scared me the most is that I knew that if I were to confess to you, the same thing would happen. Someone else’s name would pop up in your head. And I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I’d rather live with the fact that you’d never like me, instead of actually hearing the words from you. I’m a coward. Chicken shit.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this anymore, so I guess I’ll just tell you what I’ve wanted to from the start.

I like you. 

Okay fine, I promised I’d be honest so uhh… let me change that.

I love you.

Ahahahaha k whatevs, but I guess admitting to it would be one step closer to getting over you. I mean, I would never admit it to you, but at least other people besides me will know about it. It’ll become real. And well, I have no regrets.

This is me starting the new year being honest, and I’m hoping that’s how I’ll be for the rest of it. I really wish you have a happy year to follow, and well, I’ll be here to make sure of that anyways. Hahaha. I’ll just go back to doing what I do best— being a good friend :)

• January 02, 2012, 12:24am

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I mean, no. Seriously. All I want is to be by your side forever. Nothing more, nothing less.

• Tags:
  • love
  • you
  • blechh
  • bullshit

• January 01, 2012, 7:38am

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